The Way It Is

I (Jo) am returning to work next Monday and I have to admit I am so sad. I am not sad about working…I actually love my job. I am sad about leaving my little man Co. The good thing is that Co will be staying with Mo…so he will be loved and taken care of the way I would like. But it doesn’t change the fact that I am his Mama and I want to be with my baby and let’s face it…I don’t really think anyone can take care of him the way I can.

It is so funny to think just three or four weeks ago I was desperate to return to work…I was actually looking to hitch a ride to Mexico…I wanted to be anywhere but here. In a cruel twist of fate, I am healed and happy and this kid is now interactive and funny and I am off to leave him eight hours a day.  There are lots of little things that make this feel okay…as I stated before Mo will be with Co, I do adore my job so that makes this bearable, Mo and Co will eat lunches with me from time to time, I am off on Fridays and Saturdays to be with my boys, and Sundays I can take Co to work with me…that is all I can think of at the moment. I am sure there are more great things.

Millions of women deal with this decision and every day, but it makes it more personal when you are the one deciding. It actually wasn’t a hard choice to return to work. Mo wanted to make a career change and I didn’t want to leave my job and we needed childcare. I truly thought Co would go to one of the downtown childcare centers, but after all our trouble in the hospital and Co being in Kaiser’s version of a NICU…I just knew I couldn’t have him go into a center at two months old.

I have learned one really important lesson from being a parent…things never work out the way you planned and never speak in absolutes…you have no idea how you are going to deal with a situation until you are in it and you never know how your child is going to be. I said Co was definitely going into childcare and he isn’t (at least not yet). Mo and I both said Co was never going to use a pacifier or sleep in our bed…both have happened. The thing is, we don’t even care…you do what you have to do.

I feel horrible about complaining and not enjoying my entire maternity leave. Now that I like this motherhood thing, I have to throw work back into the mix. This is life, once you think you have it all figured out…everything changes. Isn’t that the way it is?